Beautiful Misery bs-2 Read online

  “I won’t let you do that. You have sacrificed so much already. When you get married Gage, I want it to be to the girl who stole your heart and be the girl you are so in love with all you see is her. She is out there, waiting. She will accept your past and see all the amazing qualities you have.” I spoke through my tears, forcing myself to agree with what I just said.

  “Cobie, you stole my heart. The moment you told me you were having my baby I was yours. I would do anything to make all your dreams come true. You accepted who I was and you opened your heart and life to me. You could have lied or hid from the fact that I am Londyn’s daddy but you trusted me despite the way I acted. I want to marry you Cobie.” Gage raised himself back into the chair. His voice was soft, his eye pleading.

  I blinked back my tears and moved my eyes from Gage’s handsome face to our daughters beautiful face. Looking at her for a long time I didn’t say anything.

  “Ok.” I said simply. Then trying to get the mood shifted to something lighter I joked, “You’re the one telling Larkin.”

  Gage hopped from the rocking chair and kissed my temple. “Deal.”

  12

  Gage

  “Larkin, where you at?”

  I walked into his moms house. Cobie was home and resting with Londyn. Now was my chance to talk to Larkin and hopefully he wouldn’t knock my head off.

  “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be at your house helping my sister?” Larkin came walking down the hallway, hands on his hips.

  “They’re sleeping. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Let’s go downstairs. Jenna just got the twins asleep. She would kills us both if we wake them up.”

  I followed Larkin down to the finished basement and sat on the couch. He sat across from me in the chair.

  “Ok, so what is going on?”

  I looked Larkin in the eyes and I said, “Cobie and I have decided to get married.”

  I watched as Larkin turned to stone. “Why? Why would you want to do that?”

  “I love her.”

  “You love her?”

  I nodded. “I do. I want her to have her dream wedding. She has told me every detail she has had planned since she was little. I can give her that. We would be a true family.”

  “You’re marrying my baby sister to make her dream come true?”

  “No, Larkin. I’m marrying her because I love her. Her dream coming true is just an added bonus.”

  I could see the wheels in his head turning. “I never pictured you marrying my baby sister but if it makes her happy, then I’m happy. I approve.”

  “I wasn’t looking for approval, Larkin but thank you. She never dreamed of having some huge wedding, just close friends and family so I was hoping we could have the wedding in a few weeks. I’m going to need your help.”

  Larkin smiled. “Anything for my sister.”

  On February fourteenth, I married the woman I loved, the mother of my child, the girl that had became my best friend.

  Cobie wore her mothers wedding dress like she has always dreamed. I had never seen her look more beautiful. She didn’t want a bouquet, she instead carried our daughter in her arms down the aisle. Larkin gave her away, smiling the entire time.

  We laughed. We cried. We danced.

  She smashed cake is face and you better believe I smashed cake in hers. Larkin wanted his sisters wedding to be special. He wanted to dance with Cobie in place of their dad. He picked the song, There You’ll Be by Faith Hill, and surprised a tearful Cobie. Our song held so much meaning. It was the song that was playing the day we found out Londyn was a girl, the day we found out Cobie had cancer and the song that was playing when we brought Londyn home from the hospital, as a family. Cowboys and Angels. She was my Angel.

  I was happy. For one day, I didn’t worry about how much time we had left together. I didn’t let cancer invade my thoughts. With just family and close friends around us everything felt intimate. It felt special. It felt right.

  Cobie

  Holding Londyn in my arms I couldn’t help the thoughts that were clouding my head. I was getting tired. A week after I became Mrs. Tucker things changed. I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my legs. Gage took me to the hospital and after numerous scans and tests we were told the cancer had taken my ability to walk. I was in a wheel chair. I knew my time was with my family was ending. I’m not stupid. I could feel it.

  It was late and Gage was asleep on the couch. Londyn had just finished taking her bottle and was fading into sleep. I rocked her in my arms a few minutes before laying her in her bassinet.

  I wanted Londyn to know how much I loved her and that I would always be with her. Gage had promised me that he would always tell her but I wanted her to have something from me that she could confirm for herself. Rolling down the hall to Gage’s office I shut the door and flipped the light on.

  Grabbing a notebook from the bookshelf I started writing. I wrote letter after letter, stacking them up in a pile beside me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write but once the pen hit the paper it just flowed. I wrote a letter for everything I could think of. The first letter I wrote was just me telling her how my I loved her. There was one for every birthday until she was eighteen, one for each of her first days of school, one for her first crush, one for her first boyfriend, one for her first kiss, one for her senior prom, one for graduation, one for her first day of college, one for her wedding, and one for the birth of her first child.

  As I was putting the letters into envelopes I heard Londyn starting to cry. Setting everything down, I wheeled myself back to the living room. Gage was standing in front of the picture window patting her little back and hushing her.

  “Shh babygirl. Let mommy sleep. Daddy’s here.”

  This is what I would miss. This is what hurts the most. I wouldn’t be here to comfort my daughter or wipe away her tears. I felt guilty leaving all this on Gage. He didn’t sign up for this. He had experienced so much hurt already and here I was, causing more.

  Gage turned around just as I swiped my tears away. He kissed Londyn’s head then said, “Look baby, mommy is here. Maybe you two could lay down together. Daddy has a few things he needs to get done.”

  “Gage it is four in morning. What could you possibly need to do right now?”

  “There is a few emails I have been pushing back but I really need to answer them. Besides, someone let me nap and now I am wide awake.”

  Bowing my head I said, “Sorry. You just looked so comfortable. I couldn’t wake you.”

  “Well now I’m sending you and our daughter to bed so I can get a little work done and maybe workout for an hour or so. Come on, let’s get you two tucked in.”

  Gage left his spot by the window and handed me Londyn. She was already back asleep. Once Gage got Londyn and me in our bed he turned the T.V. on and kissed me.

  “I love you Cobie, so much.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “Sleep good baby. I will come check on things in a little bit.”

  Gage kissed me one last time then walked out the door, closing it halfway. I snuggled Londyn into my side. I covered her head in kisses before shutting my eyes. I whispered, “I love you,” to Londyn before finding sleep.

  Gage

  What was this? I picked up the stack of sealed envelopes and thumbed through them. Letters. They were letters to Londyn from Cobie. There was one for everything. Sitting down I contemplated opening and reading them. But, that felt like some sort of evasion on privacy. Setting the stack back on my desk I saw there was one letter that hadn’t found its way into an envelope. I couldn’t help myself. I picked it up and read it.

  Londyn Hope,

  Hi. It’s your mommy. Right now you are fast asleep in your bassinet. I don’t know how many more nights I will get to watch you sleep. You look so beautiful and peaceful. You have no worries or fears. Everything for you is perfect. You don’t know about this scary world.

  I want you to know how much I love you. Mommy ne
ver dreamed in a million years that you would be as perfect as you are. You have changed so much in my life and opened my eyes to a whole new world. I thought I had my life all planned out until I found out I was going to be a mommy. What I thought were my dreams didn’t even come close to becoming a mother. Marrying your daddy and becoming a family, that is my one dream come true. You are my dream come true.

  There won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t be by your side. When things get hard, I will always be there to listen. The rustle in the leaves, the sun kissing your cheeks, the stars shining at night…that will be me watching over you. Even if I can’t be here I will always protect you. You are my everything, Londyn. When given the choice, I would choose you over and over, every time. Choosing you was the easiest choice I ever made. I knew I wanted to be your mommy more than anything.

  I know how it feels to grow up with just one parent. It hurts. But, you got lucky just like mommy. Your daddy is the best. Just watching him with you and the way he looks at you. You are the center of his universe. I hope one day he finds someone who fills the void and makes him happy. Someone who loves you as much as I do. You and your daddy deserve happiness and love. And, I know that somewhere out there the perfect woman is waiting.

  You, my beautiful babygirl are the closest I will ever come to magic. My greatest wish for you is that you always know how much I love you. And, for the rest of your life you know how great my love for you was. I never knew what love was until I was holding you in my arms. Until I was counting your little fingers and tiny toes. All it took was your small, sweet hand grasping onto mine for you to totally consume me.

  All my dreams came true the first time I heard your heartbeat. I didn’t look at everything I was walking away from, instead I looked at everything I was gaining. The minute they placed you in my arms, you slipped right into my heart.

  I want you to grow up loving Disney. Disney taught me everything I want you to know.

  1. Hakuna Matata, it means no worries.

  2. Nothing’s impossible.

  3. Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.

  4. Dreams can come true.

  5. Remember, always let your conscience be your guide.

  I love you babygirl. Never give up faith and dream bigger than the sky.

  All my love xoxo

  Mommy

  I was standing there staring at the piece of paper in my hands, no clue what to do. Cobie was sick, I’ve known that for months. But, reading the letters she wrote to Londyn ripped my heart apart. Cobie knew she didn’t have much longer.

  Three days later Cobie wasn’t acting like herself. She would stare off into space and when she would talk she wouldn’t make sense. I had had enough. I decided to call her mom and take her to the hospital.

  Carrie answered in the second ring. “Hey, sweetie.”

  “Carrie, something is wrong. Cobie isn’t acting like herself. I’m taking her to the hospital. Can you watch Londyn?”

  Carrie choked back her tears and said, “I’m going with you. I will have Cobie’s aunt watch Londyn. I’ll call Kelli on my drive over. She should get to your house a few minutes after me.”

  “Ok. I’m going to throw some things in a bag for Cobie and me so we are ready when you get here.”

  “Gage, calm down. I’m sure it’s just all the pain medication they have her on. Dr. Emmons said this could happen.”

  Shutting my eyes I rubbed my thumbs hard against them. “I know, Carrie. I’m just scared. I thought I was prepared for all of this to start happening but now that it is, I’m not ready.”

  Carrie was silent, I heard her car radio through the speaker. “Honey, at least we had a warning with Co. I had nothing with her father. We have had months to spend time with her and make wonderful memories. Treasure that. I’m almost to your house, let me call Kelli.” She didn’t wait for my response before she hung up.

  She was right. We were lucky enough to be given time with her. So many were robbed of that. The last year had been the best of my life. I opened my own club, was blessed with a beautiful, healthy babygirl, and married my best friend.

  As soon as Carrie and Kelli got to our house we left. Cobie was worse than she had been earlier.

  She was shutting down. I could see her eyes go in and out of focus. She was lost. I was losing her right in front of my own eyes. The thirty minute drive from our house to the hospital seemed to take days. On the way Carrie called Larkin and Jenna to let them know what was going on and promised to keep them updated.

  Once we made it to the hospital Cobie was instantly admitted and hooked up to oxygen, IV’s, and monitors. The nurse took tube after tube of blood with no promise of when they would have the results.

  Carrie and I sat holding Cobie’s hands. She didn’t talk. She didn’t respond. She was gone. Physically she was still here, but mentally she was gone.

  “I think you should call Larkin.” I spoke to Carrie but looked at Cobie.

  “Let’s just wait until we talk to the doctor. I think it’s all her medication counter reacting with each other.” Carrie said, trying to sound sincere.

  “Carrie, I really think you should call Larkin. He needs to be here.”

  Carrie called Larkin and I called my parents. Once again, everyone was flying in.

  The doctor came in a few minutes later to talk to us. Holding his hand out to me first I shook his. “Mr. Tucker, I’m Dr. Chang. After reviewing your wives tests it appears she has sepsis and her cancer has more or less taken over her entire body. Dr. Emmons sent me an email explaining Cobie didn’t want any more scans after her initial diagnoses and this is exactly what we feared would happen.”

  My eyes were burning. My throat was constricting. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Everything was moving but nothing was making noise. “Wh-what does that mean?”

  “Mr. Tucker, I am so sorry but if you have any family out of town, I think now would be a good time to have them come in. It is irreversible. There is nothing we can do except keep her comfortable.”

  Carrie wrapped her arm around me. “We already called and they will be here tonight.”

  Dr. Chang looked Cobie over then turned to his nurse and asked, “Susie, is Mrs. Tucker a DNR?”

  DNR? What? No! No! No!

  Before Susie could answer I blurted out, “Hell no. She is a full code.”

  Dr. Chang ignored my outburst and calmly said, “Thank you, Mr. Tucker.”

  Carrie laid her head on my shoulder, her tears wetting my shirt. “Dr. Chang could you please explain why this was so sudden? She went from zero to sixty overnight.”

  Dr. Chang crossed his arms before saying, “Sometimes this is just how it happens. But, if I had to guess it has slowly been progressing but it wasn’t so noticeable until this point.”

  No sooner than the words left Dr. Chang’s mouth, Cobie’s monitors started going off. The room filled with multiple doctors and nurses.

  Dr. Chang barked out orders and had a nurse usher Carrie and I out of the room. I knew I needed to get out of the way so the doctors could work but I want to be with my wife. She needed me now. I needed her.

  It felt like we were in the hall for days before Dr. Chang slipped out the door.

  “Mr. Tucker.”

  I cut the doctor off and rushed up to him. “Please tell me she is still alive.”

  Dr. Chang placed his hand on my shoulder. “Your wife is still alive but she is being supported my machines. We had to put her in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. It’s not good. I’m so sorry, Mr. Tucker.”

  I fell to the ground. In the middle of the fucking hospital, I lost it. I begged. I pleaded.

  God, if you’re listening please don’t take her. Not yet. I’m not ready. I can’t do this. She needs to be by my side and watch our daughter grow up. We still have so much to do, so much to accomplish. If you just give me this one thing I swear I will never question you again. Dammit, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to my daughter. For fucks sake
she’s only twenty years old. Her birthday is only a few weeks away. Why would you do this? Why would you put my family through this?

  Carrie was on her knees, her arms wrapping around me. “Gage, Dr. Chang said we can go back in the room now. Come on, you need to be with your wife right now.”

  Sniffing, I brought my eyes to meet Carrie’s. “I don’t know if I can do it. I can’t see her like that.”

  “She needs you right now, more than you need her. She needs to know that you’re okay.”

  “I’m not okay. This is too fuckin’ soon.”

  “Gage Tucker. You are not weak. We are going in that room. We are going to sit with the girl we love and let her know it is okay for her to stop fighting. She’s hurting, Gage. She has fought for months and she’s tired. Be fair to her.”

  Carrie helped me from the ground and into Cobie’s room. She was covered in wires and a tube was going down her throat. Constant beeping and a low hum of the ventilator were filling the silence.

  I took a seat next to Cobie, wrapping her hand up in mine. “I’m here, baby. It’s okay. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

  I laid my head down next to her shoulder and cried myself to sleep.

  “Gage.” A familiar voice pulled me from my nightmare, thank God.

  Blinking a few times, I raised my head and saw Larkin and Jenna standing across from me. They both had red, puffy eyes. It wasn’t a nightmare. I looked down and saw a very lifeless Cobie.

  Without letting go of Cobie’s hand I reached across and grabbed Larkin’s. “I’m so sorry.”

  Larkin’s chin quivered as his tears clouded his eyes. Jenna and Carrie put their arms around his back. Both women crying.

  I looked down at Cobie and said, “When we got married Cobie changed everything to my name. I’m the one that makes all the decisions. But guys, I can’t make this one alone.”