Beautiful Misery bs-2 Read online

  Carrie, Larkin, and Jenna walked around Cobie’s bed and surrounded me. Jenna kissed my cheek and asked, “Did you guys ever talk about what she wanted if this happened?”

  Taking a deep breath, I said, “Not really. We never thought this would happen.”

  “We all know Cobie. We know she wouldn’t want to live like this. She’s not here to tell us but we know.”

  We all nodded and Larkin added, “This is my baby sister and I don’t want to tell her goodbye but sometimes- Larkin swallowed back his tears- sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to. I don’t want her suffering, Gage. It’s not fair to her.”

  “Before we do this I want Londyn to say goodbye. She needs to lay with her mom one last time, guys. My daughter is losing her mom and she doesn’t even know her yet. How fuckin’ fair is that?”

  Carrie leaned down so she was level with me. “But, she has you. She has you, honey. You will make sure Cobie’s love lives on for Londyn.”

  Jenna took a step away and dug through her purse, pulling her phone out. “I will call Kelli and see if Chad can bring Londyn down.”

  Taking a few deep breaths I shook my head. “No, my parents should be here soon. Do you mind calling and seeing if they can pick Londyn up on their way?”

  “Of course. I’ll be right back.”

  Carrie stood and walked to Jenna, “I’ll go with you. Get everyone coffee.”

  Once Jenna and Carrie were out the door Larkin pulled a chair up next to me. “I never said this but, thank you. My sister was happy with you. I wasn’t happy with how things started but you made her happy. The last year of her life could have been pure hell but with you and Londyn in her life she enjoyed it. Thank you for putting her first.”

  “I love your sister. She made me happy when I hated life. I don’t want to think about what my life would be like if your sister hadn’t come into it. I’m serious Larkin, she saved me.”

  Larkin watched me closely when he spoke again, “I know you think I stole Jenna from you, but look what you would have missed if Jenna would have stayed with you. I know you love Jenna. I know you love Co. After you got with my sister though, something changed. You didn’t look at Jenna like you used to. You might not even know it yet but you are more in love with my sister than even she knew.”

  Running my hand up and down Cobie’s arm I said, “You’re right. Your sister made me forget about Jenna. Your sister was my saving grace. And, now I’m losing the one thing that made my life not so shitty.”

  Larkin shook his head. “No you’re not. She will always be with us. And, you still have Londyn. She looks so much like her mom and if you’re lucky she will be just like her.”

  Hearing my daughter’s name made me smile. I looked at Cobie and joked, “If you have anything to do with it, you will make sure she is just like you, huh?”

  “Let’s hope,” Larkin laughed.

  My parents arrived about an hour later, Londyn in tow. I unfastened her from her car seat and placed her between Cobie’s chest and arm. Londyn immediately snuggled into her mom. She knew who mommy was.

  “Gage, you should take pictures. Londyn would want them when she’s older,” Jenna suggested.

  Sliding my phone out, I unlocked it and hit the camera button. I snapped a few pictures and held my tears back.

  This is it. After I take Londyn from Cobie I will be telling the doctor to ‘unplug’ my wife. I left Londyn snuggled with her mom for as long as she would allow, which ended up being about an hour, before I leaned over to pick her up.

  “Give mommy one last kiss, princess.” I placed Londyn next to Cobie’s face for a second before letting my mom take her to feed her.

  “I will go get Dr. Chang,” Carrie said, standing by the door.

  I took a few short deep breaths. This was the best for Cobie, she would be waiting for me, and she wouldn’t be suffering anymore. I kept telling myself over and over again.

  “Mr. Tucker, Mrs. Nayler said you needed to speak with me.”

  I didn’t take my eyes off of Cobie, I just nodded. Larkin nudged me. “You need to tell Dr. Chang.”

  Shutting my eyes I slowly mumbled, “Take her off life support.”

  “Ok, Mr. Tucker. We will make sure she is comfortable. She won’t feel any pain. Before we turn the machine off we will give her a high dose of Propofol, then we will give her more pain medication as needed. It may look like she is struggling to breath at some point, but she won’t be. That will be her brain still telling her lungs they need air, but she won’t be in any discomfort.”

  I let my head fall onto her chest. I took a few seconds to collect myself before turning to look at Dr. Chang. “Ok. I’m ready. How long will it take?”

  “That is between God and your wife.”

  I slowly nodded and turned my attention back to Cobie. A nurse came through the door carrying three syringes and inserted them into Cobie’s IV’s. Dr. Chang waited a few minutes before speaking in some sort of code to the nurse who in turn turned the monitor screen off then turned the ventilator off. The nurse stepped back beside Dr. Chang as we all surrounded the bed.

  She couldn’t be dying. This is how she looked when she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful.

  Larkin pulled out his phone and played on it for a moment before Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer filled the room. Cobie’s favorite song. He laid it on her chest and kissed her cheek. “I love you, sis. Watch over my babies and keep them safe. Tell dad I said hey.”

  Jenna then took her turn. Leaning down she kissed her cheek. “Thank you for helping me see that I really was in love with your brother. You saw how much I loved him before I did. I will make sure Evie and the boys know how much their Aunt Co loved them. Raise some hell up there and make sure you get some kick ass angel wings.”

  Carrie hugged her daughter and kissed her forehead a few times before pulling back to grab her hands. “Cobie, my sweet little girl. I can still remember when you would play dress up and demand everyone call you Princess Cobie, you even got Larkin to call you that a few times. It seems like you were just learning to walk and talk then before I knew it you were driving and graduating high school then along came Londyn and I watching you walk down the aisle. I love you, angel. Thank you for blessing me with almost twenty-one years of bliss.”

  It was my turn. I could do this. I. Could. Do. This.

  I kissed Cobie’s lips and whispered, “I love you.” I pulled her hand up to my mouth and softly kissed it. Larkin had fiddled with his phone again and sat it back on her chest. Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch came on. I smiled. Cobie said the day we found out we were having a girl that this was our song. “Here that, baby. That’s our song. Larkin’s playing it for us. He knows how wild I am and how perfect you are, it’s not a secret. Who knew how fitting this song would actually end up being? You are my angel, Co. You walked in when I needed you most. You saved me. You gave me that one thing I was missing. You were the star in my darkest nights. I promise I will spend my forever telling Londyn how much you love her. Its ok baby, you can go. You don’t have to fight anymore. Wait for me up there. This isn’t our goodbye, you hear me? This is see you later.” I kissed her lips one more time. “I love you, Co, so much more than you could ever imagine.”

  Carrie, Larkin, Jenna, and I held on to Cobie’s hands. My head was resting on her shoulder when I saw her chest stop moving. Raising my head I kissed her lips one last time. “Until we meet again. I love you.”

  I lost it.

  “Mr. Tucker, I am so sorry.” Dr. Chang rested his hand on my shoulder.

  Cobie lost her fight to cancer March twelfth, ten thirty one at night.

  I saw face after face and nodded like I understood what they were saying but it was all a blur. I was acting on autopilot. I followed the motions but didn’t know what I was doing. If I heard one more person tell me ‘they were sorry for my loss’ or ‘I can only imagine how you feel’, I was going to scream.

  They were sorry for my loss? What the fuck? Cobie
was my wife not my cell phone. You lose your cell phone. You don’t lose your wife. And, no you cannot even begin to fathom how I was feeling. The one person that made my life feel complete again is gone. I would no longer make her coffee in the mornings or help her take a bath at night.

  Scrubbing my hand down my face, I leaned over to Larkin and whispered, “I need to get out of here for a little bit.”

  Larkin nodded and said, “I understand. I got Londyn. Take a break.”

  I had done well at the funeral but now that people were gathering at our house I was losing steam. Everywhere I looked I saw Cobie. Her medicine bottles were on the kitchen counter, her cell phone was sitting on the coffee table. Her lotion was on the dresser, her makeup bag was open on the vanity, her boots that she hadn’t worn in months were still sitting by the back door, and her cherry red BMW was sitting in the garage. She was everywhere.

  Escaping out the back door, I jogged down the patio steps and followed the dirt path through our twenty acres. It was mid- March and in Ohio it’s still pretty cold. I could see my breath as I walked, but I didn’t care. It helped numb the pain. Finding a large rock beside the semi frozen creek I took a seat.

  Cobie, if you were here I’m sure you would yelling at all those people in our house making a mess and not using coasters. It’s only been two days but I miss you so much already. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life with this empty feeling? You filled a place in my life I never thought could be repaired. You made me whole. I wish you were here. You would love this weather, crazy girl. You loved the cold, cloudy days and sitting by the creek. Just send me a sign, anything letting me know you’re still with us.

  It began to snow. Cobie loved the snow and making snow angels.

  She was my snow angel.

  13

  Gage

  5 MONTHS LATER

  “Mom, you sure you will be ok with Londyn?” I kissed my daughter’s chubby cheek one more time.

  Laughing, my mom pried Londyn from my arms and said, “I think I can handle it. I mean, I did raise you and your brother. Besides, she told me she wanted some Gran time.”

  “This is the first time I have left her for more than a few hours si-since Cobie.” I closed my eyes and rubbed my face before continuing, “Maybe I shouldn’t go tonight. The bar has done just fine without me. Londyn needs me.”

  “Sweetheart, it has been five months since Cobie pasted. You need to get out and live. Londyn will be just fine. You can call or text me any time to check-in on her. We have a big night planned. After dinner we are going for a walk on the beach, bath time, then snuggling up and enjoying a bed time bottle.”

  Frowning, I relented. “Ok, I’ll go. But only for a little while. Larkin and Jenna have been begging me to go out with them so I guess I shouldn’t let them down.”

  “Go and have fun. Stay out as late as you want. The guest house is unlocked. Enjoy being baby free. Londyn will be here in the morning when you wake up. You deserve to have a life, honey.”

  “I guess buying a house here will come in handy, huh?” I asked, smiling at my mom.

  Tamra Tucker and I have not always seen eye-to-eye on my life’s choices but she has always supported me. Now that I’m a parent I see where she was coming from all those years. A parent wants what is best for their child.

  “This isn’t me telling you ‘I told you so’…but I told you so.”

  My mom and I both laughed before I kissed Londyn one more time. Running my hand through her wavy brown hair I whispered, “Love you princess. Daddy will see you in the morning. Be good for Gran.”

  I took a few steps toward the door but stopped and looked over my shoulder. “Thanks, mom. I love you.”

  My mom gave me a half smile and said, “You’re welcome, sweetie. I love you, too.”

  This place was packed. I pulled around to the side of the building where the employees park and shut my car off. I already missed Londyn.

  Unplugging my phone from the car charger I dialed my mom.

  “Hey, sweetheart. Everything is great here. Your daughter just ate a jar of peas and a jar of apples. We are getting wiped off then heading to the beach for a little while. We love you. Goodbye.”

  My mom didn’t pause for a second, nor did she wait for me to say anything before she ended the call.

  Laying my head back I stared out at the ocean. Cobie never got to see Londyn play in the sand or the way she giggles when the waves splash her. Londyn loves the ocean. Closing my eyes, I rested my arm across my forehead.

  “Are you dead?” Jenna asked, tapping on my window.

  I wish.

  I felt around for the door handle and opened the door. “What?”

  “Larkin told me he saw you pull in but never get out of your car. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

  Popping my eyes open, I said, “Everything is peachy. My wife is dead, my daughter wants her Gran over me, and I’m living with my parents. Yeah, I would say everything is wonderful, wouldn’t you?”

  Jenna raised onto her tippy toes and stuck her finger in my face. “You listen here, Gage. I know you’re hurting, but that does not give you the right to treat me like shit.” Jenna lowered herself and put her hands on her hips. “I wanted tonight to be a good night. If there is any chance in hell that’s going to happen, this ‘poor me’ attitude is going to have to go. I am in no mood for it. I swear as God as my witness if you test me tonight Gage Tucker, I will knock the shit outta you.”

  I looked at Jenna for a moment before turning my attention back to the ocean. “You think Cobie would have liked living here?”

  Jenna’s body relaxed a little as she smiled. “Yeah, I do. She loved the ocean.”

  “I’m coming back. I signed a deal with the Saints.”

  Jenna threw her arms around my neck. “No way? I’m so proud of you!”

  “Yes. My agent called me earlier today letting me know.”

  “You two ready to go inside?” Larkin asked, his voice sounding a little pissy.

  Jenna laid her head against my chest and smacked my stomach. “Did you hear the news?”

  Larkin raised an eyebrow. “What news?”

  “Gage is now a Saint.”

  “No shit. Congrats dude.”

  “Yeah, thanks. Why don’t you two go ahead and go inside. Just give me a minute then I will be in.”

  Jenna exchanged a look with Larkin before they both agreed.

  I hopped onto the trunk of my car when a small silver car caught my eye. Watching it pull into the empty lot next to my bar I saw the back door fly open and a small boy, probably around five years old, fly out.

  “Dammit, Gabriel! What have I told you about getting out before I tell you its safe?”

  The little boy with shaggy brown hair ducked his head. “Sorry, mommy. I’m just so excited. I get to play the guitar tonight, Uncle Jase promised.”

  Taking my attention off the little boy I looked to his mom and I really wish I hadn’t. My khaki shorts got a little tighter just from looking at the woman. She was too far away to see too much detail but I could see she had dark brown hair and when knelt down to talk to her son her shirt rode up in the back and I could see some sort of tattoo.

  “Gabe, I hate yelling at you, but mommy doesn’t want you getting smashed like a bug by some car.”

  When the mom stood, I recognized her shirt. She works for me. Fucking great. And my shorts just keep getting tighter. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, though.

  I heard the giant, dark blue truck before I saw it flying into the lot. The mom I had been watching grabbed onto her son and flung him behind her.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” She yelled at the driver.

  The guy left the truck running my hopped out of the truck. “Parking, what the hell does it look like?”

  It looked like a divorced couple trading off their child. The little boy slipped out of his mom’s grip and ran to the guy standing in front of her. The guy instantly had his arms out, catchi
ng the little boy.

  Another guy, covered in tattoos appeared from the passenger side and high fived the little boy. “Uncle Jase!” The little boy, yelled.

  The tattooed guy held his arms out. “Hey buddy. I’ve missed you. Are you ready to learn some good ole rock and roll tonight?”

  The little boy bobbed his head up and down. “Will it be Lynyrd Skynyrd?”

  Huh. The kid knew good music.

  “You know it.” The tattooed guy responded.

  I looked back at the mom. She looked bored. “Ok, well as fun as this little hoorah has been I have to get to work. Some of us have a child to raise.”

  Maybe that was her little dig at the guy I assume was dad.

  The little boy wrangled his way free from tattoo guy and ran to his mom. “Love you, mommy. Don’t work too hard.”

  Her face lit up. “Love you too, Gabe. Be good and mommy will see you tomorrow afternoon.”

  The assumed dad leaned in to kiss her cheek but she side stepped him and went straight to tattoo guy.

  “Thanks, Jase. He loves spending time with you.”

  Tattoo guy pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek. “You know I love spending time with little man. Now go shake your ass and make you some rent money.” He lightly smacked her ass before he climbed into the truck and buckled the little boy into his booster seat.

  The first guy attempted to get the mom’s attention again. I saw her body go rigid and she spoke low enough that I couldn’t hear but he dropped it and got into his truck. She kicked at the loose stones in the parking lot as the truck drove away.

  Something was definitely going on.

  The mom dropped her head onto the roof of her car as a slew of curse words fell from her mouth.

  Now I was intrigued. She yanked open the driver’s door and grabbed her purse before slamming the door shut and locking it. Stomping across the lot I could see more and more of her the closer she got. Her dark brown hair made her intense blue eyes that much more noticeable. She had an amazing mouth with plump kissable lips.

  What the fuck was I thinking this way about someone who I didn’t know, and someone who works for me?