Beautiful Misery bs-2 Read online

“What’cha reading?”

  Gage looked at me with humor dancing in his eyes. “Just catching up on my STD’s.”

  “Eww. You can keep your STD’s to yourself.”

  Gage smirked. “Baby, I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”

  Sticking my tongue out, I was about to say something when a nurse walked into my room.

  “I’m just here to collect your blood. Nothing fun.” The cute, older nurse said, smiling.

  “Yippee!” I said, rolling my eyes.

  I reached for Gage’s hand as the nurse set everything up. “Please, hold my hand for this. I am terrified of needles,” I begged Gage.

  Holding his hand out Gage gave me a sweet smile, something I didn’t see often. Well at least not associated with me. I got his bedroom smile or his goofy smile, hell even his pissy smile but never his sweet smile.

  Pinching my eyes shut when I felt the nurse pushing the needle into my arm I sucked in a breath and squeezed Gage’s hand.

  “Great job, honey. One more tube and I will be all finished with you,” My nurse said.

  Feeling the nurse pulling the needle out and loosening the tourniquet I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “That wasn’t so bad.” I let go of Gage’s hand and looked at him

  Gage wiggled his fingers, opening and closing his hand as he snorted. “Maybe for you. I may need an x-ray to make sure you didn’t just break my hand.”

  Shaking my head, I winked. “I think you’ll live.”

  Gage mocked pained and said, “You may have just broke my multimillion dollar hand and you show no concern. What kind of person is carrying my child?” He placed his hand over his heart and fought his smile.

  My nurse smiled at me as she said, “I’m all finished here. Dr. Fleming should be in, in just a few minutes.”

  “Ok. Thank you.”

  The room was silent as we watched my nurse walk out, closing the door behind her.

  “Have you thought of any names you like yet?”

  Gage lifted one shoulder and ducked his head. Gage acting shy? Say what!

  “I was thinking if we have a boy we could name him Henry, after your dad.” Gage lifted his head, letting his eyes meet mine.

  Feeling the lump in my throat and the burning behind my eyes, I swallowed my tears. “Henry Gage Tucker, I love that.”

  “And if it’s a girl? Have you thought of a name?”

  Blinking the tears from my eyes, I bit down on my bottom lip. “Londyn Hope.”

  Gage looked between my eyes before asking, “How did you come up with that name?”

  “I had always dreamed of going to London but now all my dreams are for our baby. And Hope for Fairhope, where she was conceived.”

  “I like it. Londyn Hope Tucker.”

  A knock on my door interrupted our conversation. I scooted back on the exam table and Dr. Fleming walked in.

  “Good afternoon, Cobie.” Dr. Fleming shook my hand as took a seat on his stool. He reached out and shook Gage’s hand. “Hello, I am Dr. Fleming.”

  Gage nodded. “Nice to meet you. I’m Gage Tucker.”

  Dr. Fleming smiled before turning back to me. “So, today is just the routine checkup to make sure baby is growing as he or she should be. But, if we can get baby to cooperate we can find out the sex, if you would like.”

  Nodding quickly I said, “Yes. I have been counting down to finding out if we’re having a son or daughter.”

  “Then lets measure your belly then we can get to the fun stuff.” Dr. Fleming lifted my shirt and measured me, making sure I was growing like I should. “You’re measuring just like you should. The nurse was already in to take your blood, right?”

  Glancing at Gage, I smirked. “Yes, she was.”

  “Great. If everything comes back normal you shouldn’t hear from us but if something comes back you should get a call in two or three days. Now, let’s get you across the hall so we can find out if that’s a little boy or girl.”

  Hopping off the table I felt that same shooting pain in my back. Again, I reached behind my back and put pressure, rubbing my spine.

  Gage was at my side and asked, “You’re back again?”

  Taking slow, deep breaths I nodded. “Mmhm.”

  Dr. Fleming reached for my arm and asked, “This happen a lot?”

  Gage answered for me, “It has been lately.”

  Dr. Fleming pursed his lips. “You shouldn’t be having pain like that. I think you should make an appointment to see a chiropractor to make sure you don’t have a pinched nerve or your spine is out of alignment.”

  “Usually when I take a hot shower the pain eases. But, I will make an appointment with a chiropractor when I leave.”

  Nodding once Dr. Fleming opened the door and led us across the hall.

  “I’ll let Connie know you’re ready. And I want to see you back in three weeks. Take care.”

  “Thank you Dr. Fleming.” Gage shook his hand and walked into the ultrasound room.

  “Thanks doctor. See you in a few weeks.” I shook his hand and turned to walk into the dimly lit room.

  Sitting on the table I let my feet swing from side to side. I was getting nervous. Looking up I saw Gage staring at me. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. He looked happy, content.

  Connie came breezing into the room, setting her machine up and having me lay back.

  “Ready to find out?” Connie asked excitedly.

  “Yes!”

  Connie squirted the goo on my belly and I focused on the screen, waiting for my baby to pop up.

  When the tiny form showed up on the screen I heard Gage’s intake of breath. Taking my eyes off the screen I looked at Gage and pulled him to me. He ran his hand down my arm to hold my hand and placed his other hand on my shoulder.

  Gage looked down, both of us watching each other. Something was changing between us. Everything was changing between us.

  “If you look right here, see those three lines?” Connie asked, pulling Gage and I from our trance.

  Both Gage and I looked at the screen.

  “You guys are looking at your daughter. You’re having a girl.”

  Squeezing Gage’s hand I looked from the screen to Gage and back to the screen.

  Gage kissed my temple. “We’re having a girl.” His voice was shaky, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the screen. Londyn Hope Tucker. I’m going to be a daddy. I’m going to have a daughter.” The first tears raced down his cheeks as his mouth formed the widest smile I had ever seen. “My little girl.”

  Lightly running my hand over Gage’s cheek I said, “And she is a very lucky little girl. You’re going to be the best daddy to our daughter.”

  8

  Cobie

  Three days after my doctor appointment I was watching Gage pack for his flight. His large suitcase was at the foot of his bed with clothes stacked next to it. I was curled up at the head of his bed, my head resting on my hand.

  “Cobie, please don’t look so sad.” Gage tossed a pair of athletic shorts into his suitcase before walking around his bed and sitting beside me.

  “It’s just going to be weird without you here. Just when we are starting to figure shit out and get life back to normal, you have to leave.”

  Resting his forehead on my shoulder I heard him sigh. “You could come with me. Stay at my apartment in the city.”

  “You know I can’t do that. I have a doctor’s appointment in a few weeks and you will be busy with football. I understand why you’re leaving. I’m just saying it sucks.”

  Gage lifted his head and slowly brought his lips to mine. He ran his tongue over my lower lip as he shifted me onto my back, resting above me.

  Just when our kiss was turning hot my phone started ringing. Gage pulled in a steadying breath as he leaned up and grabbed my phone from the nightstand.

  Sliding the answer button across my screen I answered, “Hello?”

  “Is this Miss Nayler?”

  “Yes, who�
��s calling?”

  “This is Trish. I’m calling from Women’s Health Center regarding the blood work you had done. It seems your white blood cell count is down. Dr. Fleming would like you to call Dr. Emmons from University of Cincinnati’s Oncology team.”

  Oncology? Like cancer?

  “Dr. Fleming thinks I have cancer?” I asked, hardly above a whisper.

  I avoided looking at Gage but I could feel him tense beside me.

  “No ma’am. He’s not saying that. But with your white count being so low he wants to rule out the most dangerous first. More than likely it’s a vitamin deficiency but Dr. Fleming is just taking precaution.”

  “Um. Ok, sure. Do you have the number for the doctor that Dr. Fleming wants to me see?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  Trish rattled the number off and I scribbled it on a piece of paper Gage had on his nightstand.

  Ending the call, I looked straight ahead.

  Cancer. I couldn’t have cancer. This couldn’t be right. I was only twenty. I was pregnant.

  “Cobie? Will you please tell me what the fuck is goin’ on?”

  Looking out the corner of my eyes at Gage, I said, “My white blood cell count is low. I have to see an oncologist.”

  “An oncologist? Why?” Gage’s blue eyes clouded over.

  “Gage, I might…”-my voice cracked-“I might have cancer. What am I going to do?” I dropped my head into my hands as my cries shook my body.

  “Shh, baby. We don’t know anything yet. I need to make a few calls and let people know I won’t be back as soon as planned.”

  I sniffed and said between sobs, “You have to.”-sniff-“go back. The team…they need you.”

  Gage put his knuckle under my chin and raised my head so I was looking at him. “No, they don’t need me. You need me. I’m not going anywhere.”

  It took a few hours but I finally calmed down enough to call Dr. Emmons and make the appointment. Since I was pregnant they wanted to see me the next morning at eight to get more blood and do a few scans.

  I had decided that until we knew what was going on only Gage and I would know about this cancer scare.

  Just saying the word cancer made me nauseous.

  Walking downstairs I found Gage in the kitchen making grilled cheese and tomato soup.

  “Cobie, you need to eat.” Gage dipped soup out of the pot and placed the grilled cheese on a plate. “Here, please eat.”

  Stirring my soup I took a few bites before scooting the bowl away. “I can’t. I think I’m going to try and get some sleep.”

  The sadness on Gage’s face broke my heart. “’Okay. And Cobie, don’t worry about this until we have a reason to worry, which I don’t think we will.”

  “I hope.” I blinked back my tears and turned to walk out. Gage grabbed my arm and wrapped his arms around me. I felt protected. Being in his arms made me feel safe.

  “God won’t do this to us. Our daughter and I need you. You can’t have cancer.” Gage lifted my head so I was looking him in the eye. “Cobie, I love you and we are going to raise our daughter together. Your stubborn ass isn’t going anywhere. Got it?”

  Slowly, a smile formed on my face and I chewed my bottom lip. “I love you too, Gage. But, I am so scared right now. I just need you with me. I need to know that whatever happens our daughter will have you.”

  “You and Londyn will always have me.” Gage pressed his lips to my forehead. “Want me to lay with you?”

  “Please.”

  Gage lifted me effortlessly into his arms and walked us back down the hall to his bedroom.

  This place was huge. Every THING looked clean and sterile. Every ONE looked sick and tired.

  “Cobie Nayler?” The girl called out from the doorway.

  Looking at Gage, I fought back my tears and took his hand, walking toward the waiting girl.

  “Cobie?”

  “Yes. Cobie Nayler.” I said, quietly.

  “Hi, I’m Angie. Follow me please. Dr. Emmons would like to see you before any test are performed.”

  Holding Gage’s hand we followed behind Angie, down the long hall to a large door. Angie knocked once before opening it and saying, “Dr. Emmons, Cobie Nayler is here.”

  Angie pushed the door open wide and ushered us in.

  Standing from behind his desk, Dr. Emmons held his hand out. “Cobie, nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Emmons.”

  Shaking his hand I said, “Um…nice to meet you too.” I pointed next to me and said, “This is Gage, my um, he’s my baby’s father?” It sounded more like a question but Dr. Emmons didn’t notice, he just shook Gage’s hand before sitting back down.

  Dr. Emmons laced his fingers together as he spoke, “Cobie, I’m sure you know why you’re here. Before we get to the heavy stuff I want to ask a few routine questions. Have you been feeling more tired than normal lately?”

  Raising an eyebrow I looked at the doctor like he was a total moron. “Yes, I’m pregnant. I’m always tired.”

  Dr. Emmons paid no attention to the sarcasm in my voice and moved onto the next question. “Have you found yourself being in a lot of pain in a certain area?”

  “Actually my lower back. It’s worse when I’m active, more than normal.”

  Dr. Emmons furrowed his brow. “Hmm. Loss of appetite?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Have you noticed any bruising?”

  “No. I mean, I really haven’t looked but I haven’t noticed any.”

  Dr. Emmons took notes and looked up at me. “Now, this is in no way saying you have cancer. This is to rule cancer out. I have ordered a few blood tests and a CT scan to determine if you do have cancer, and if you do, what kind. Chances are, since you’re pregnant you’re just experiencing a vitamin deficiency that has messed with your blood count. We will have your test back by this afternoon. I am putting a rush on your tests since you are pregnant. We want to hurry and rule this out so Dr. Fleming can figure out what is going on.”

  “What happens if my tests do come back that its cancer?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question.

  “If, and that’s a big if…if it is cancer, depending on the type and stage will determine our course of action. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and start worrying before its needed. Just get your tests done and we will go from there. The nurse out front has the paperwork you need to take upstairs. When you’re finished you are free to leave. When we have the results, one of my nurses will call for you to come back in.”

  Six hours later my phone was ringing.

  “Hello?”

  “Miss Nayler? This is Angie from Dr. Emmons office.”

  “Yes?”

  “Your results are in, Dr. Emmons would like to see you again today to go over the results. Can you be here at three?” Angie asked.

  Glancing at my watch I saw it was two thirty. “Yes, three is fine.”

  “Ok, see you then.”

  I hung up my phone I looked to Gage. “They want us back at three.”

  “They want us back so they can say everything looks great.” Gage gave me a sweet smile.

  I didn’t have that same feeling. Something didn’t feel right. I knew it but I didn’t want to say anything to Gage. I had cancer. I knew it, I could feel it. I had to accept it.

  Forcing a smile I said, “You’re probably right.

  Sitting in Dr. Emmons office I looked at the books behind his desk. Hearing the door open I pulled my eyes to see him walk in. His face looked sympathetic, not the happy doctor from earlier.

  Cancer. I had cancer.

  “Cobie, Gage, I got the results back and I’m so sorry to tell you this but you do have cancer. You have a very rare form of bone cancer known as Osteosarcoma of the spine.”

  My world stopped.

  Swallowing hard I looked at Dr. Emmons and asked, “What are my options?”

  Dr. Emmons dropped his head and rubbed his forehead before looking between Gage and I. “Your only chance at beating t
his is terminating the pregnancy. Your tumor is inoperable because of its location. Your only hope is aggressive radiation and chemotherapy. Neither of which you can do while pregnant.”

  Feeling my tears streaming down my face, I shook my head. “I’m not losing my baby, our baby. What are my chances if I wait to do treatment until my baby is born?”

  Gage laced his fingers with mine and said, “Cobie, this is your life. You have to fight.”

  “Not if it takes our baby away. Londyn will be here in four months, what are my chances Dr. Emmons if I wait?”

  Dr. Emmons looked between Gage and I then answered, “Honestly, not good. Without treatment you have 6 months to a year to live. This is a very aggressive form of cancer.”

  Looking at Gage I said, “Dr. Emmons will you give us a moment, please?”

  “Of course. This is a lot to take in. When you’re ready I will be just down the hall.” Scooting his chair back he stood and walked out, closing the door behind him.

  Surprisingly I was calm. I had been preparing myself for this result. I had no other choice than acceptance. I had to accept this. Face reality and realize I wouldn’t get to watch my daughter grow up. See her first step, hear her say mama, watch her walk into school on her first day, help her get ready for prom, or talk about her first kiss. I was going to miss everything. But, I would miss it all so she could experience it. Terminating was not at option. Londyn would be born and Gage would raise her. That was the only reality I was willing to accept.

  “Cobie? What are you thinking?” Gage’s eyes were misty.

  “I’m not giving Londyn up. We are going to have a daughter and you’re going to raise her. I’m not going to do treatments. I want to enjoy my daughter and spend my time with you and her.”

  Gage sucked in a breath. “I can’t lose you Cobie. I won’t lose you.”

  “Gage, you’re not losing me. I will always be with you. I have cancer and I’m going to die within a year.”

  I watched as a tear slid down his face, landing on his dark blue cotton shirt.

  I would be gone before my daughter even knew me. I would only get a few months with her if I was lucky. I had cancer and I was dying. I could lay around and mope about it or I could live my life like anyone else and enjoy being pregnant and having my baby. That was all I had left.