Beautiful Misery bs-2 Page 9

  “The fuck I ain’t, Cobie. You die. You’re gone. I lose you. You can’t do this. You can’t kill yourself.”

  Grabbing both of Gage’s hands I held his gaze, “Gage, our daughter is growing inside of me, I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. I have cancer. It fucking sucks but its life. I am not going to let this stop me from having our baby- from becoming a family. Even if it is just for a few months.”

  Watching all the emotions roll over Gage’s face I wanted to curse God. Why would he do this? Was this my punishment for getting pregnant by my brothers best friend? I had so many questions running through my head. Letting my tears slide down my face I softly sighed. This was my choice and I wasn’t changing my mind. I would not risk my child just so I could live. I would never be able to live with myself if I terminated my pregnancy just so I could have a life. That isn’t what a mom would do. This wasn’t a hard decision. I didn’t have to think about it at all. Londyn was my choice. Being a mom and having a family was my choice.

  Gage grabbed my face as his tears let loose. “I support whatever you choose. I want my family but how will I have my family if you’re gone? I thought the plan was to raise her together? We can’t do that if you’re not here.”

  Placing my hand over Gage’s heart, I felt it racing. “Gage, I will always be with you, in here. You won’t be alone. Now, I’m going to go get Dr. Emmons and tell him what we decided. No treatment.”

  Gage dropped his hands from my face and wiped at his eyes. Without saying anything he nodded.

  Walking down the hall I found Dr. Emmons sitting at a smaller desk, looking at his iPad.

  “Dr. Emmons, Gage and I made our decision.”

  Looking up from his iPad, he gave a half smile. “Okay. Let’s go back to my office and talk.”

  Following Dr. Emmons back down the hall to his office, I found Gage still in his chair, staring at his hands.

  Dr. Emmons took his seat behind his desk, joining his hands under his chin. “Cobie has told me you have made your decision.”

  Gage looked to me, pain written all over his face. “Yes.”

  I leaned into Gage and wrapped my arm around his. “No treatment.”

  Dr. Emmons sighed and said, “Cobie, you understand without any treatment you have very little chance of survival?”

  Sniffing, I waited as the image of my doctor blurred as tears filled my eyes. “Yes, I understand. But, with all due respect I will not lose my child just so I can have a life. I will take these next few months that I have and cherish them. I want my family, if only for a few days or weeks or months. That is better than nothing. Nothing you say will change my mind doctor.”

  Dr. Emmons smiled. “In no way am I trying to change your mind. What you are doing is incredibly brave and shows just how much love you have for your child.”

  Pulling into our driveway Gage put his car in park and stared into space.

  “Fuck! I can’t believe this is happening. We don’t deserve this. We deserve to be a family. To be happy. To raise our daughter together. Fuck cancer!” Gage slammed his hands on the steering wheel.

  I had never seen this side of Gage. He was scary.

  “Gage, don’t do this. Getting angry won’t do anything. We can’t change this.”

  “Oh God, Co.” Gage hung his head. “I’m so sorry. I know there isn’t anything we can do. I just feel like I should be able to fix this. And, I can’t.”

  I blinked my tears away. “I don’t expect you to fix this. I just want you by my side.”

  Gage lifted his head and kissed me softly. “I’m standing right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

  9

  Gage

  It had been almost two weeks since Cobie was diagnosed with cancer. Two of the hardest weeks of my life. This was tearing me apart. After she and I found out we were having a girl I felt like we had turned a corner only to smack face first into a twenty foot tall brick wall. It was too late to tell myself I would be fine without her. Fact was, I loved her. Being with her took away the hurt and emptiness. Now I was losing her, too.

  True, one could say we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for Londyn, and chances are they would be right. But, I had been attracted to Cobie since the first time I saw her walk into Jenna’s parent’s house the week of Jenna and Larkin’s wedding. I watched her all weekend. Then that night she came into my bar, she looked so innocent. I was drawn straight to her. I thought if I could just screw her one time she would be out of my system. Shit, was I wrong. That only made it worse, and to add insult to injury, the following days she ignored me and acted as if she didn’t even know me.

  Sighing, I collected myself and started down the stairs. “I called my parents, they are flying in tomorrow afternoon. Have you heard anything from Larkin and Jenna?” I asked as I walked into the living room, where Cobie sat curled up on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying.

  Blinking tears out of her eyes she tossed her cell phone onto the coffee table and said, “Yep. Just got off the phone with Larkin. They are taking the first flight in the morning so they should be here sometime tomorrow afternoon, too. Now all I have to do is have my mom and Gramps come over.”

  “Cobie, are we sure about this? I mean I want to be a dad and be a family but at the cost of losing you?”

  I sat down beside her and pulled her feet into my lap. We were both silent for a long time, staring at nothing in particular.

  “This was the easiest choice I have ever had to make. You know if you were me, you would pick the same thing. I’m going to have our baby and we are going to be a family for however long we can. I will not let this cancer beat me. I will die a happy mom who was blessed enough to bring life into this world.”

  Why did God feel the need to take the only two women I loved away from me? No, Cobie and I were not in love like a married couple but we loved each other. She had become my best friend. She filled the void Jenna left. And now- now I was losing her too. My faith in God was failing. If there was a God, where was he? Why was he taking this beautiful, funny, smart, sassy, stubborn, and selfless woman? She still had so much she needed to do and see. So much more to offer. Her daughter needed her. Fuck, I needed her.

  Speaking around the lump forming in my throat I said, “I need you, Co. How am I going to raise our daughter? She’s going to need her mom.”

  Cobie raked her teeth over her top lip, pulling it slightly into her mouth. “I need you to promise me something. Promise me that Londyn will know who I am. That she will know how much I loved her and wanted to be her mommy. Promise that when you find someone, she loves Londyn like I would.”

  Pulling her into my lap I rubbed my hand on Cobie’s belly. “She will know what an amazing woman you are. I will tell her every day. There will be no question as to how much you loved her. I swear, I will make it my life’s goal to teach her everything about you and the love you had to give. I will never find someone to replace you, Co. I can’t picture anyone but you to raise our daughter with. If it’s not you, I don’t want anyone else.”

  She had a sad smile on her face, her eyes full of pain and unshed tears. “Gage, you will find someone who will make you forget all the hurt. I don’t want you to stop living your life when I’m gone. I want you to live. You have to.” Cobie’s voice started shaking. “I need you to be happy for yourself and for Londyn. I want her to see how wonderful her daddy is.”

  “How did we get here? Just a few days ago we were the happiest people in the world and now we are discussing your death. Fuck!” I ran my hands through my hair, squeezing my eyes shut. “If there is a God now would be the time to work some miracles.”

  Cobie rested her head on my shoulder. “Gage, you can’t think like that. Now is when you have to have your faith. You need to trust God. I’m still battling with my anger but I have faith. I need you to, too. I need you to believe.”

  “How can I believe in God when he is ripping you away from me? I want to have faith and believe that e
verything will be ok but then I think about my life without you and I lose all hope.” She snuggled into me and I inhaled her sweet lavender scent.

  “I’m here now, let’s enjoy the time we have and not think about the future. Live one day at a time.” Cobie fisted my shirt in her hand and let out a soft sigh. “We can get through this, I promise.”

  Running my hand through her long, dark hair I fought back tears. Leaning down I kissed her just above her ear and whispered, “Go to sleep, I can see how tired you are.”

  She barely got her nod out before her soft snores filled my ears. Carrying her down the hall I gently laid her down on my bed, pulling the covers over her. I watched as her chest rose and fell with her breathing. She brought her hand up and curled it around the sheet, pulling it closer to her face. She looked so innocent, so beautiful. So perfect.

  Shedding my jeans and shirt, I climbed into bed and pulled her to me. Bringing her hand to my mouth I gently kissed it. Hugging her tight to me I whispered, “I love you”.

  She made a soft humming noise as a small smile formed on her lips. “I hoped you did. Night, Gage.”

  My eyes popped open and I was hoping I just had a really bad nightmare. Rolling my head on my pillow I saw Cobie lying next to me. Not a nightmare. Grabbing my alarm clock I read the time, ten forty three in the morning. I maneuvered myself from under Cobie and grabbed a pair of gym shorts. Pulling them on, I made my way downstairs to my workout room. I had a lot of anger to work through. A lot of pain to drowned out.

  Stepping on the treadmill I hit the power button and started running. Running helped clear my head.

  It seemed like I just started running when the door opened. Cobie stepped through and looked at me. She looked tired. She didn’t look like the happy pregnant mommy to be.

  “Jenna just text me, they just landed so they should be here in an hour or so. I don’t want to worry them so can we please act like everything is ok, at least until tonight when everyone is here. Then we can tell them why they all needed to fly out here.”

  Stopping the treadmill I grabbed a towel off the rack and wiped my face. “I will do my best, Cobie. I don’t know what you expect me to do. I can’t act like everything is perfect, I have never been good at hiding shit.”

  “I’m not asking you to act like life couldn’t be better but we need to hide our pain for just a few hours. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t think it’s too much.”

  “Fuck, Cobie! How much more are you going to ask of me? First, you ask that I raise our daughter alone. Second, it’s making sure our daughter knows about you. Third, you ask me to move on and find someone to be a family with. And, now you’re asking if I can act as if none of this is happening. I can only do so much.”

  I saw the hurt in her eyes. I hated myself for causing her anymore pain.

  “You think you have it bad? You weren’t the one who was just told you were going to die. At least you will be here when our daughter grows up. I am going to miss everything Gage. I was asked to choose between our daughter and my life. I haven’t asked you anything near as difficult as what has been asked of me. My answer was simple. All I’m asking is you throw on a fake smile.”

  In a few strides I was standing in front of her. “Cobie, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be taking this out on you. I have so much anger and hate inside. Maybe it would be best if I just left for the day. I will be back before my parents get here.”

  Cobie dropped her eyes. “Gage, please don’t leave me. Don’t run. Not now. Not when I need you the most.”

  Grabbing her face I ran my thumbs across her cheeks. “I’m not leaving you and I sure as fuck ain’t running. You want today to be as normal as possible and I can’t promise that. I don’t want to add more stress to you.”

  Wrapping her small hands around my wrists she said, “I’m asking you to stay, please? I can’t face my brother alone. We only have a few hours before your parents and my mom gets here. We can do it, together.” Her voice was pleading, her eyes begging.

  She needed me. I needed her. We had to be brave and get through this together.

  Kissing the top of her head, I let my lips rest in her hair and said, “I’m here. We will do this together.”

  I felt Cobie relax under me and her little breath tickled my bare chest. “Thank you, Gage.”

  Pulling back I looked her in the eyes. “Thank you, Co. We will get through this, I swear.” Palming her cheek, she leaned into my hand and closed her eyes. “I will stand by you through this. I won’t let you go, Co. You’re not fighting this alone.”

  I watched as tears fell down her cheek. “I’m so scared, Gage.”

  “Me, too, Cobie.”

  Opening her eyes, she looked up at me and a huge grin formed on her face. “No offense but, you smell horrible.”

  Laughing, I dropped my hand from her face. “It’s called working out sweetheart, sweat happens.”

  “And now, a shower should happen.” Cobie reached behind me and smacked my ass before turning away from me.

  I stood there watching her walk away, not wanting to think about life in the future. I had to think about now and what I had. Getting mad and upset wasn’t going to change anything. Cobie would still have cancer. She needed me to be strong for her and I would do that. She didn’t need me hating the world. I was going to stand beside her and fight like hell to make her last months the best. We were going to be a family, not a family who has cancer.

  After a quick shower, I pulled on my boxers and a pair of jeans. Grabbing my t-shirt, I tossed it over my shoulder and went to find Cobie.

  “Have you ate lunch yet?”

  She looked up from her laptop and shook her head. “No. I was going to wait until Jenna and Larkin got here. We could have lunch with them.”

  “I can grill some burgers, if you want. You could make some of that kick ass potato salad I love and baked beans.”

  “Ok. Will you call them and see where they are so I know when I should start cooking? My phone is upstairs charging. I forgot to plug it in last night.”

  “Yep.”

  Sliding my phone out of my pocket I pulled Larkin’s number up and hit send.

  “What’s up?” Larkin answered.

  “Co wanted me to call and see when y’all would be here. She wants to make lunch.” I could hear Evie yelling in the background. She was yelling something about cows.

  “We should be there in about twenty minutes. She doesn’t need to cook for us. We can stop somewhere, it’s not a big deal.” Larkin said.

  “Your sister wants to. It’s nothing big, just burgers, potato salad, and baked beans. Quick and easy.”

  “If y’all insist, then that’s fine with us. See you in a few.”

  “’Ight. Bye.” I hit end and locked my phone screen, sliding it back into my pocket. “They should be here in twenty minutes. I’m going to fire up the grill and get the burgers goin’.”

  A little over twenty minutes later I saw a black Audi SUV pulling into my driveway. “Co, your brother and Jenna are here.” I yelled through the screen door.

  I went back to the grill, grabbing my beer and taking a long pull. I finished the beer off and tossed it into the garbage. Opening the refrigerator under the grill I grabbed another beer and popped the top off.

  “Hey, you.” Jenna said from behind me.

  Not turning to look at her I said, “Hey.” I couldn’t look at her. If I did she would see something was wrong. She knew me.

  “Need any help?” Jenna took a few steps closer.

  “Nope, I got everything out here.”

  “Hmm. Cobie told me you could use my help.”

  “Oh. I don’t know why she told you that but I have everything under control.”

  “Gage, what’s wrong?”

  I chanced looking at her. She looked huge. She had almost three months left before she was due but from the look of her I didn’t give her more than a month.

  Pasting a fake smile on my face I said, “Nothing. Why would so
mething be wrong?”

  “I don’t know, but something is up. When Cobie called last night she said we had to come out. She wouldn’t tell us anything more. I swear if you two did something stupid like run off and get married I will kill you.”

  Nearly dropping my glass beer bottle I choked out, “No. We sure as shit didn’t get married. Damn, Jenna. Could you have a little faith in me?”

  Laying her head on my shoulder she sighed. “I know, I’m sorry Gage. I just want to know why we are here.”

  “You will find out soon. We are just waiting for my parents and her mom. They should be here in a few hours. Until then let’s just enjoy the day.”

  “Ok. I will go get you a plate for the burgers.”

  Walking into the living room I saw my parents sitting together on the couch, Carrie was on the floor with Evie, Gramps was sitting in the rocking chair, Jenna was on Larkin’s lap in the chair and Cobie was curled in the corner of the loveseat. Her resolve was fading. Her smile wasn’t as bright as it had been earlier and her eyes were showing more pain than happiness. She looked like she could break at any moment.

  Taking a seat next to Cobie I pulled her to my side. Leaning down I whispered, “Ready?”

  She nodded.

  Jenna scooted around on Larkin’s lap, uncomfortably. “Ok. So, we are all here. Will one of you please tell us why?”

  Leave it to Jenna to not so subtly ask what the hell was going on.

  She already had tears running down her face. Jenna looked from Cobie to me then back to Cobie. “Please tell me what is going on. Now I’m getting really scared. Don’t tell me you lost the baby. That can’t be true.”

  Both Cobie and I shook our heads. I pulled her closer to me. “I will tell them.”

  She looked up at me. “No, I have to. I need to.”

  I kissed her nose. “I understand.”

  Sitting straight, she reached for my hand. Wrapping my hand around hers I rested my other hand around her shoulders, keeping her close to me.